Dateline: Lubbock, TX ……June 30, 2002

The Time: 3:00PM

The Place : Whataburger

     “Rattlesnake” Mark Mackenzie and I were sitting, recapping our race and enjoying our post race meal. We happily sat there ingesting our share of fat, carbs and protein when a vehicle pulled into the parking lot with 4 tri bikes on the back. We watched the occupants slowly file out and do the now familiar sliding your feet forward lifting them just enough to clear the pavement walk we’ve seen after many races. “Look” said Rattlesnake “They’re doing the Triathlete shuffle!” We nodded to our fellow tri mates in silent appreciation for what we’d all just done and left the burger joint. Driving back toward the hotel we noticed more of the strange gait we’d just seen. “There’s two walking into the convenience store” “Hey look, three more in the hotel parking lot” “One coming down the stairs”. As we exited our vehicle we quickly noticed that we too were now doing the Triathlete shuffle. It’s as if all of Lubbock had been taken over by this new breed of slowly moving, shaved legged creatures. It was almost like Night of the Living Dead………..only most of us doing the shuffle were alive………we just wished we were dead.

A whole town filled with triathletes………………….hey, what if we did have our own town? Where would it be? What would it be like? What would we call it???

Tribania!!

Welcome to Tribania. A town in the US inhabited completely by triathletes. Tribania is located in a mountain valley………nice and flat in town but surrounded by  mountains for good hill training.

How would we get around in Tribania? Well…no cars are allowed…none. If you must drive a car you should move to one of our suburbs Gu-opolis or perhaps Hed-land. The only forms of travel allowed in our town are swimming, biking and running. The roads….oh the roads…..a thing of beauty. Four bike lanes wide in every direction with running lanes on the right of every one (you know….the kind they make those tracks out of…..that cushioned surface). We have red lights at some intersections……but mostly so the cyclists can slow down and look both ways before riding thru them……never having to unclip from the pedals.  All of our major byways also have swimming lanes. Three foot deep and two lanes wide………feel free to jump in to the crystal clear waters. The Mayor and Council have been trying to install swimming lanes on every road, but a lack of tax revenue has slowed the project to a crawl (most of the towns inhabitants don’t work…….they just eat, sleep and train…….and then sit around talking about eating, sleeping and training).

Speaking of the Mayor and Council…….who is it that could lead such a magnificent city? Tinley? Dave Scott? No….they were considered but settled for lower post within the local government. Dave Scott is the head of the school lunch program. Our kids are fed the perfect balance of protein, carbs and fat as they “transition” between classes. Tinley rose to power as the Minister of Information. An impressive position to be sure, but one that is known for spewing a little BS from time to time. Our mayor, finally elected after several recounts and a 40K time trial challenge with Natascha Badmann is none other than Heather Fuhr. A Canadian eh? You might ask? Sure……she’s popular, can ride your ass into the ground……..and she’s cute too. Besides I’m all for equal opportunity for women.

Every corner of our town has a combination Starbucks, Keva Juice and Einsteins Bagels. The grocery business is dominated by Wild Oats and Whole Foods. There are plenty of restaurants of course but Dave Scott has driven anything resembling fast food underground. Locals speak in hushed tones of a “secret door” that leads to an underground icon of our culture. If you know the secret passcode (it’s recovery food!) and know the doorman by name (Mike Pigg) then you can descend into the world of the Golden Arches and still get a piping hot greasy fish sandwich and salt laden fries to celebrate your latest race effort.

Come….take an easy spin around our town square to see the statue of John Collins. Explore our beltway around the city……..it’s a convenient 112 mile trip. Want to meet the head of our police force? It’s EP Higgs from Socorro. EP doesn’t give out speeding tickets in Tribania……….but be careful you don’t get an AT ticket, given to those whose heart rates spike for too long without proper recovery. If EP catches you anaerobic for too long he’ll slap a governer on your bar end shifters, meaning you won’t be able to shift out of the small chainring for two weeks.

We’ve worked out a deal with Coca-Cola to pipe Dasani thru our city water system. Feel free to drink right from the tap. Hey! You might be thinking………you mean I’m going to bathe in it……….cook in it……..wash my bike with it? If it’s good enough for your stomach, I say  it’s good enough for your Cervelo. We’ve also sprayed a chemical in the air that inhibits the growth of leg hair in men (and thankfully in women too). In addition to the regular standard amenities found in most homes like dishwashers and microwaves…….every Tribania home comes with an Endless Pool and a Computrainer.

In the spirit of the 4^th of July, we’ll be having our own parade as well. Here comes former Governer Gary Johnson on his Kestrel leading the way. Tinley is swimming laps in a hot tub pulled by the members of Tri Team SW. Dave Scott is running 6 minute miles down main street tossing Carbboom to the cheering kids. The parades Grand Marshall is Paula Newby Fraser……..after just having won her 100^th Ironman competition. And here comes our lovely mayor, dressed to the nines in her Saucony business suit……million dollar smile and killer instinct. “Come on everyone………no standing and watching………you’re all triathletes………triathletes don’t watch………they do!”

So off we go…….some of us swimming, some of biking, a few runners…….but hell…….most of us just finished Buffalo Springs…………we’re all doing the Triathlete shuffle.

RACE HARD